justplainbil

Just Plain Bill

Uvulectomy

Have you ever thought about that hangy-downy thing in the back of your mouth, which you can see if you open real wide? Well, neither had I until –

I didn’t have my tonsils out until I was 25 because I was raised during the time when there was concern you might get polio or some other infection after an operation.

So, when I visited my doctor following the operation, he asked me an interesting question: “When you were growing up, did you find yourself clearing your throat a lot?” As a matter of fact, I did. I remember that my father would often admonish me to stop clearing my throat, preferring I either spit or blow my nose instead of making that hacking sound – a sound evidently bothersome to others and a sound that accompanied a sore throat that came along on a regular basis. 

The doctor then showed me the bill for the removal of my tonsils and adenoids – plus the item listed as a Uvulectomy (for which there was no charge). My doctor told me that while doing his snipping in my throat, he noticed that my uvula was longer than normal (whatever normal might be). So he took his scissors and trimmed about a quarter of an inch from my hangy-downy thing, a procedure which would eliminate some of the irritation at the back of my throat – my sore throat - that my swollen uvula caused.  

I imagined that my shortened and squared off uvula would set me apart. To this day, I’ve yet to see that unique characteristic listed on a resume, a job description, or even a program for the ill formed at the carnival. I imagine I’ll just take that experience to my grave though, as I’ve yet to find a way to monetize it.

What a shame! (Cough, cough!)