Just Plain Bill

“Mom-isms”

One value gained from writing down thoughts and remembrances from my years past has been the chance of recalling comments made by my mom. You may be familiar with “Yogi-isms”…comments made famous by MLB Hall of Fame catcher Yogi Berra such as “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over” or “You can observe a lot by watching.”

My mom had her very own unique set of “mom-isms”.  

These somewhat harmless remarks, usually a direct statement or an occasional “constructive critique”, provided a picture of the preferences and prejudices held by my mom as a result of her upbringing. Prejudices might be too strong a word, but her comments did often result in embarrassment – both for me and for her intended target. The embarrassment was immediately followed by the need to discount what she’d said, otherwise we risked it being interpreted as a put-down.

For example, when introducing a current girlfriend who happened to be an inch or two taller than me, my mom asked, “Have you been tall all your life?” Not sure how anyone might answer that but it certainly called attention to the difference in height between my girlfriend and me.

Another one fit the pattern of my mom always “speaking her mind”, with predictable, resulting embarrassment. While being examined by the dentist, my mom asked, “Did you enjoy your sandwich for lunch, as there were quite a few onions on it which I hope you enjoyed.” Even her questions were comments. It probably was no coincidence that during future visits to that dentist, most of the check-up was done by his intern.

On a visit to another health care provider, my mom was prescribed Estrogen to treat her feminine discomfort. When asked by the doctor if she had any questions, my mom replied, “Now that you’ve prescribed this drug, will you be prescribing me a man as well?” Oops!

You may remember that my mom was an artist. When I was quite young, I became aware how conscious she was of facial features. One particular feature seemed to get more attention than others – the nose. What I came to learn a few years later is that she used the nose as the means to reference or identify a person of Jewish decent. Although it’s hard to shake that “mom-ism”, at least it  failed to stick to my personality. To me, one’s ethnicity made and makes no difference, though it surely seemed to be an important distinction for my mom. I suspect this was most likely a product of the class-consciousness my mom’s family felt, having come from the turn-of-the-last-century lower class of English families.

The final experience I’ll share is a reflection of my mom’s resistance to ever be wrong, and involves yet another health care provider. My mom had worn glasses most of her adult life and had to go to the eye doctor on a regular basis. At every exam, my mom frustrated her eye doctor for the following reason: When the doctor or his technician showed her a comparison between two images and ask which one was clearer than the other, mom would usually hesitate, or preface her choice with a “kind of”, or “I’m not sure.” She was even overheard saying, “You’re trying to trick me.” As you can imagine, her need to never be wrong resulted not only in unnecessary frustration, but added many minutes to the exam as well. I now catch myself wondering how many incorrect eyeglass prescriptions my mom lived with over the years. She certainly wouldn’t have admitted her answers led to the wrong prescription!

Do you have your own set of “mom-isms?”

Just Plain Bill

Adult Learners = Little Kids in Big Clothes

Over the years, I’ve learned that many adults are just little kids in big clothes when they’re in an educational setting. Many adults tend to regress to behavior they displayed in their early school experiences. I find this to be especially true when it comes to their degree of participation in class activities, the challenge in “keeping still”, and their tendency to act out.

I spent the first 18 years of my professional life working with children in recreational and educational settings, and I was fortunate to have learned how to establish and manage an interactive, engaging and successful learning environment for my students.  These techniques were successful with both “captive” participants - school children - and “non-captive” participants - recreational participants and adults in an organizational setting.

What I mastered while working as a learning and development professional (a fancy word for teacher) transferred to my work with adults. It’s been said that the motivation for learning is different for adults than for children, but I’ve found over the past 40+ years that there’s little basic difference between the two groups.

Early research suggested that children were “empty vessels needing to be filled” (theory since rebutted by Piaget, Montessori, Erikson and many others), while adults are “full vessels needing to be drawn out”. Malcolm Knowles expounded on that theory, coining the word “andragogy” to differentiate the theory of adult learning from that of “pedagogy”, or learning theory related to children.

So, what does all of that information have to do with how best to “teach” adults, recognizing that many of them will have regressed to behavior that could be an obstacle and even disruptive if not managed effectively?

 My approach to educating both children and adults includes:

·     Building TRUST between the teacher and the students by getting to know the learners and by including appropriate humor - especially of the self-deprecating kind

·     Insuring ENGAGEMENT by asking questions, rhetorical ones as well as subject-related ones, to build upon what the learners already know

·     Challenging COMMITMENT by providing the opportunity for the participants to apply what they have learned – either new knowledge or enhanced understanding

Finally, I don’t answer many questions directly, choosing to re-direct responses from colleagues by asking “what do others of you think?” I’ve found the majority of the time the answers come from the group, with more weight given to the answers from their colleagues. It’s not so important what I, the teacher knows. The students can’t “take me with them”; they can only take what them what they’ve experienced. 

Just Plain Bill

“Which wife did you love the best?”

When my youngest daughter was three, we were walking three blocks back from the neighborhood donut shop. When we stopped at the first corner, she turned and asked me the following question: “Daddy, which wife did you love the best?”

Well, since I was now married for the third time (she was the offspring of my second marriage) I wondered what the most sensitive and truthful answer would/could/should be. I hoped to take time to think of just the right answer…but you know the patience level of a three-year old. 

Trying my best to distract my daughter by commenting on a passing dog – she loves dogs – I came up with the following: “The one to whom I was married at the time was the one I loved most.”

My daughter paused, thought my reply through for just a minute, and then took up interest in that dog that had given me a few seconds to think. The question never came up again.

Phew!

Just Plain Bill

Driving While Black (DWB) –

and I'm not even black

Soon after I got my driver's license (a long time ago), I was driving my 19-year-old Dodge at night near my house. Without warning but with certainty I hadn’t broken any laws, a police car complete with lights flashing and siren screaming stopped me.

Two officers got out of that police car. They came up to each side of the front windows and shined their flashlights in the faces of my passenger and me. After they saw who we were…a 16-year-old white boy and his 15-year-old friend… who was black…they retreated to their car and engaged in a heated conversation.

They then returned to my car window and I was told I was “turning the corner too quickly.” (I knew my rusty old car wasn’t capable of “burning rubber”.)  Next, I received a citation for a violation I didn’t know even existed. One policeman then mentioned they were looking for two black kids who were reported acting suspiciously.

This instance from my past came to mind when I recently attended the funeral of a childhood friend – the friend who was in my car that long time ago. While talking with my late friend’s brother, it occurred to me that I was stopped for DWB – driving while black - because the first person the policeman saw was my friend. 

I also remember that “turning the corner too quickly” violation cost me my driving privileges for 90 days. When you’re 16, It seemed like a lifetime.  

I’ve hoped that times would have changed over the past five decades, but I'm sorry to say that's probably not true as we continually hear of complaints of police stereotyping and profiling drivers based on the color of their skin.

Will things ever change?