Just Plain Bill

Screaming?

I live about 300 yards from an elementary school. On school days when I’m working from home, I enjoy hearing the sounds of youthful energy coming from the playground. But, I’m noticing an increase in the screaming that arises during recess time.

I’m sure there’s no pain or danger involved, but I don’t remember the prevalence of screaming in child’s play on the schoolyard during my many years of youth work and teaching.

When I taught school for a short while last year after a break of nearly 35 years, the elementary playgrounds where I was on duty did not seem to be filled with screams that rose up beyond the usual expressions of excitement resulting from winning and losing at a variety of recreational pursuits.

Could this just be a case of age on my part? Not sure, but it takes an extra effort to not respond to a screaming child, even if it’s on a school playground.

What do you think?

Just Plain Bill

I’m a Junkie, embarrassed to admit!

No pills, no needle marks, no physical markings to reveal any sign of my habit. No slurring of speech, halting gait, tics, radical mood swings, craving of munchies, or dozing off.  To most people, even those who have known me all of my life, I probably appear to be normal, at least as normal as any other senior citizen in this day and age might be.

My habit affects the way I spend my time, the choices I make concerning focus – or lack thereof. Once I’m “tuned in”, it’s extremely difficult to do anything else. I am good at rationalizing that my habit is nothing more than an innocent action.

Excuse me for a minute – I need a fix!

There are no obvious physical signs when I miss my fix, but mentally or emotionally, there’s a slight increase in my irritability level, and perhaps an imperceptible heightening of my pulse rate.

I’m not sure if there’s any long term or lasting impact from my habit, or if my abilities to task or multi-task are affected.

And, what about treatment? I’m interested in a 12-step program, or perhaps another way to address the habit. Remove the temptations? Attend meetings with other junkies? Read enlightening resources? Register with a support counselor? What?

So what is my drug of choice? 

In spite of my being a member of the Veterans, Traditionalist, or Depression Generation – coming late in life to technology – I find myself fixated on the computer and all its opportunities for engagement.

Hardly an hour goes by without me checking my cell phone to see if “anything of interest” has occurred. Each day starts with me checking specific web sites:  Huffington Post, Daily Kos, CNN, or the San Francisco Chronicle, my local paper. That doesn’t seem to involve, or waste much time – or does it?

I often find myself wondering what I did about needing to be “in the know” prior to computers. More importantly, I also find myself wondering what I can do to either break, or better manage this compulsion.

Any suggestions?

Just Plain Bill

My Son

I find myself struggling to write a post about my son, having written one for each of my two daughters. I’ve labored over this one for many years, and I wonder why.

It’s definitely not a writer’s block thing. I have a full treasure box to draw from. Unfortunately, having to recall things done, or not done, without any conscious thought, remembering specific events also triggers regrets and experiences that have made it tough to start.

When one becomes a father to a son, is there a natural process that either emulates or avoids how your father raised you? In my case, my father was an abusive alcoholic, rarely present in my home, and left our family for good as I entered my teens.

What did I learn from him that I’d like to emulate as a father? Not to be overly cynical here, but I learned not to put nails in my mouth while working, as I could come into contact with electrical current that would break my jaw. There were driving lessons learned only from observation – to always be alert to traffic around me and use my mirror efficiently, great for defensive driving. I also remember getting carsick many times sitting in the back of our car, dad smoking a cigar. I do have pleasant memories of being carried into the house once or twice, after falling asleep during car trips.

All of the above are kind of disjointed, random memories that leave out physical, emotional, and mental abuse. What good would that do in searching for a template for being a good father?

Recorded history includes a wealth of references concerning fatherhood. The majority attempt to define what a “father” is, but not as much as about the how of being a father, especially a good one.

The Internet provides many resources that attempt to describe what a father is to do, such as the 2014 article from Esquire magazine, Manifesto of the New Fatherhood. The article starts with “THE CRISIS OF FATHERHOOD IS REAL”, which on the surface is not very helpful. It contains this phrase though, that brings a chill: “American fatherlessness is a national disaster…” It goes on to list spending more time, listening better, and engaging with your child’s interests, all of which I believe I’ve done, or could have done better.

But what about some specifics on how to raise a son? The periodical Family Life lists “25 Things a Dad Should Teach a Boy” which is more like it. If only I could get a “do over”, I’m sure more of these 25 things would be done consciously. The checklist “10 ideas: How to Be Your Little Man’s Dad” is also helpful.

Where were these checklists when my son was in his youth, over 40 years ago? And, would I have read or followed them? And, is it ever too late?

Now that my son is now the father of three of my grandchildren, I get to take peeks at what he either learned or developed on his own. I see good… no, I see GREAT stuff. His character is also especially evident as I observe his sensitive and comforting “bedside manner” in his work as a paramedic/firefighter.

He makes me very proud, and I make sure I tell him so.

Guess I didn’t need those checklists.

I love you, Carl.