justplainbil

Just Plain Bill

My Son

I find myself struggling to write a post about my son, having written one for each of my two daughters. I’ve labored over this one for many years, and I wonder why.

It’s definitely not a writer’s block thing. I have a full treasure box to draw from. Unfortunately, having to recall things done, or not done, without any conscious thought, remembering specific events also triggers regrets and experiences that have made it tough to start.

When one becomes a father to a son, is there a natural process that either emulates or avoids how your father raised you? In my case, my father was an abusive alcoholic, rarely present in my home, and left our family for good as I entered my teens.

What did I learn from him that I’d like to emulate as a father? Not to be overly cynical here, but I learned not to put nails in my mouth while working, as I could come into contact with electrical current that would break my jaw. There were driving lessons learned only from observation – to always be alert to traffic around me and use my mirror efficiently, great for defensive driving. I also remember getting carsick many times sitting in the back of our car, dad smoking a cigar. I do have pleasant memories of being carried into the house once or twice, after falling asleep during car trips.

All of the above are kind of disjointed, random memories that leave out physical, emotional, and mental abuse. What good would that do in searching for a template for being a good father?

Recorded history includes a wealth of references concerning fatherhood. The majority attempt to define what a “father” is, but not as much as about the how of being a father, especially a good one.

The Internet provides many resources that attempt to describe what a father is to do, such as the 2014 article from Esquire magazine, Manifesto of the New Fatherhood. The article starts with “THE CRISIS OF FATHERHOOD IS REAL”, which on the surface is not very helpful. It contains this phrase though, that brings a chill: “American fatherlessness is a national disaster…” It goes on to list spending more time, listening better, and engaging with your child’s interests, all of which I believe I’ve done, or could have done better.

But what about some specifics on how to raise a son? The periodical Family Life lists “25 Things a Dad Should Teach a Boy” which is more like it. If only I could get a “do over”, I’m sure more of these 25 things would be done consciously. The checklist “10 ideas: How to Be Your Little Man’s Dad” is also helpful.

Where were these checklists when my son was in his youth, over 40 years ago? And, would I have read or followed them? And, is it ever too late?

Now that my son is now the father of three of my grandchildren, I get to take peeks at what he either learned or developed on his own. I see good… no, I see GREAT stuff. His character is also especially evident as I observe his sensitive and comforting “bedside manner” in his work as a paramedic/firefighter.

He makes me very proud, and I make sure I tell him so.

Guess I didn’t need those checklists.

I love you, Carl.